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[icon] Writing a book... - The Datetarded
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Subject:Writing a book...
Time:09:28 pm
Hello all.. I hope this is ok for this community, if not I will promptly remove.
I need help, input, feedback and advice.
The following is a collaborative between mainly myself and a friend of mine.
We're aiming to write a book to help men figure out just what the hell to do with women.
I am calling on you (women) to help us out. I am sure we missed some important things, so feel free to let us know here. I think we’re covering the basics with 3 main sections. Physical, Sexual and Emotional. Each one of those are broken down into sub categories.
Today, we covered physical.

The (real) Rules.

“Do this shit and you’ll get laid”
A man’s handbook for demystifying women.


This will be broken down into 3 main categories, and those main categories will be broken down into smaller, subcategories.

Section 1:

Physical/Grooming aspects
Hair: Shaving, Haircuts, Trimming
Teeth/Nails: Trimming, Brushing
Showering: When, where and how often
Smells: B.O., Cologne, Natural Smell, foods you eat that induce smell.


Section 2:
Sexual Interaction
Foreplay: Length, technique, duration
Intercourse:  Positions, stamina, do’s and don’t’s
Afterplay: Cuddling, Talking, how much is the right amount?


Section 3:
Emotional Interaction
What to say: Emotionally, conversationally
What to do (or NOT do): Romantic gestures, Exciting acts
How to act: Manners, ect.

Sadly, appearance is something often overlooked with males. It may be stereotypical, but in comparison to women good grooming often falls by the wayside.
Women, by nature, are meticulous creatures. Often, we do things to our bodies that constitutes many unpleasantries. ALL JUST TO ATTRACT YOU.
When getting ready for a date we can spend anywhere to one to sometimes four or (even more) hours bathing, shaving, plucking, waxing, dying and painting.
All of this for one thing: Sex.
We’re not going to lie here.. women want sex just as much, and if not more than men do, and we are willing to go to just about any torturous length to get it (ie: bikini waxes).
Sadly, we are smart enough to not expect the same kind of preparation from you.. We know better.

But hope is still there in our hearts. We all wish that one day, when we go to unzip those pants, we are lucky enough to be presented with a trimmed, groomed and freshly cleaned mid-area.
That would be the equivalent to a sexual lottery for us gal’s.
I mean, after all, we do it for you.

Keeping in mind that men are simple, low maintenance creatures (come on, it’s true.. how many of you actually DO shave once a day?), we have outlined the very basic things that would make our night. Anything that you would be compelled to do that falls above and beyond this, well, just give it a shot and we will show you just how happy it makes us.

Section One:

We all know that it’s not very sexy when we have to stop mid-fellatio and hack up a hairball.
Shave your balls, trim your bush. Keep in mind that your hair grows BEYOND your sack. Be sure NOT to neglect any area that you would want our tongue (I’m not saying that if you shave we WILL go there.. but be a good little boy scout and always be prepared).
We’ll leave the flossing to J&J thank you very much.

It’s only polite.. we risk serious injury day to day, twisting and contorting in the shower to ensure we haven’t missed a spot. We endure razor bur and ingrown hairs. We go through so much trouble to make your job easier. At the very least, a pair of electric clippers once a week won’t kill you. And don’t worry about the itchy re-growth. It goes away if you do it on a regular basis.

In regards to facial shaving; think about the places you put your face. Women are very sensitive creatures to the touch.
Think comparatively of sliding down a slip and slide versus sliding down say, pavement.
Sorry boys, we don’t want the sensation of road rash on our inner thighs.
‘Nuff said.

Hair Cuts:
We go to expensive salons, spend hundreds of dollars, sit under heat and chemicals for hours at a time.
It couldn’t hurt you to spend 20 bucks and 30 minutes once every 3 months.
When we strive to look good for you is also our way of saying, “Hey, look good for us too!”.

Nose Hair and Ear Hair.
It’s there. We see it. Trust me, nothing goes past the scrupulous eye of the female.
It’s just not sexy.

Go down to your local Rite Aid.
Pick up a pair of .99 cent nail clippers.
Use them.

This is a SOUND investment for your future. Trust us on this one.
Obviously, long, untrimmed fingernails on men is a little on the femme side. What tends to be even more overlooked is the opposite. Nothing grosses us out more when you look at a man’s fingers and the man’s nails are chewed down to the nubs.
Not only is it gross, but nails do play a part in foreplay/sex. Light scratching is something to be experimented with… but we will get more in-depth with that in the 2nd section on sex.
Also a no-no: buffed or painted nails. We don’t want to have to worry about you when you go paling around with your locker room “buddies”.

Let’s not forget the toenails either. There’s nothing like curling up in bed, getting all cozy and comfortable and then WHAM! The feeling of a dull rusty butter knife going down your calf.
Not exactly what gets us in the mood y’know?
Besides…. Feet = EW! You know they’re definitely low on the attractive body part list. Long nails just push them further into the undesirable category.

Brushing. Brush often. Use toothpaste.. hell if you’re feeling overzealous, use floss too. Don’t ignore the tongue or molars either.
Brush before going to bed with someone!
There is NOTHING like after a long night of eating, drinking and smoking and then having to kiss that. Something reminiscent of carpet isn’t quite a turn on.

Also, chapstick is your friend. This goes somewhat hand in hand with the facial shaving. Chapped and dry lips plus a scruffy face are not a good combo. You might get better results by rubbing us with some sandpaper between our legs.

Women generally have soft and smooth skin. Somewhere within that soft skin lies what doctors like to call nerve endings.
When hands tend to wander to the oh-so-sensitive nether regions, a rogue cuticle or callous on the hand can kill the mood in a heartbeat.

All of the above applies to feet as well.

Everybody does it.
Showering is good.
Even better with soap.
Apply liberally once a day for best results.

The human body has natural cracks and crevices. Those areas will benefit extremely well with the usage of soap.

When we go down on a guy, keep in mind that a strong whiff of B.O. (or god knows what else can accumulate down there…) can easily induce the gag reflex. And you all know what happens when that is induced… NO MORE BLOWJOB!! So as nagging as all of this may sound, we really are looking out for your best interests too! Look at this as a “How you can help us do our job BETTER!!”.


To smell or NOT to smell:

When we get up close and personal, we don’t want a nose full, or even eye full of strong cologne.
There is something that the human body produces called pheromones. There is no myth about these… they really do exist. These little pheromones go straight to the part of our brains that turn on horny. You don’t want a bunch of cologne to mask those guys now do ya?
There’s nothing hotter to a woman than a man’s own smell (and I am NOT talking about B.O. either).

Body Physique:
We’re not asking for a body builder here.. hell, we’re not even asking you to change anything really. What we are talking about is general upkeep.. maintenance so to speak.
When we first met you, we were attracted to the whole package. Looks, brains, body, all that good stuff.
Essentially, we want what we paid for as you men do with us.
We endure countless hours at the gym, Pilates, aerobics, you name it.

All we’re really asking for is a few sit ups when all those six packs start heading to your waistline. No, no washboard abs or anything extreme like that.. but no can’t-put-my-arms-around-your-waist beer belly either.


We know this sounds like an awful lot to ask of you, but keep in mind that we’re not asking you to do any less than what we would do ourselves.
The more effort you put into these basic things the more effort we WANT to put into the not so basic things.. wink wink, nudge nudge.

Think about it.




This is an ongoing work in progress.
We are looking for various input from various women on things we may have missed or need to elaborate more.
Also, if anyone has any ideas on parts 2 and 3, please feel free to give us your input here.

Yes.. I really DON’T have too much time on my hands… I swear.

x-posted like mad


comments: Leave a comment Previous Entry Share Next Entry

Time:2005-11-12 09:32 am (UTC)
I am not a woman, but I offer my input regardless. I hope for a pardon.

I agree that women do subject themselves to much manipulation nowadays, but rest assured that at other times, this was not the rule. The mini rebirth of hippie cool of the early to mid 90s was a less restrictive time. My ideal woman was posessed of intellectual idealism and romanticise all artistic. She was still sexy in boy jeans, birkenstocks and casual flower girl halters. She was not butch -why as a man would I pursue a butch lesbian - yet she was free to play rough, knowing no gender boundaries. She also wore very little make up and no nail polish.
I still prefer clipped nails and natural looking, but well groomed, toe and finger nails.

As for myself:
I am an old-school "metrosexual" and by that I stress having nothing to do with the term as it is now applied. And furthermore, I use old school to refer to the bygone days of artful fop. I wish my half of my wardrobe to be anything aristocratically Edwardian.

I pursue cultural aesthetics and artistic hedonism and I am do a certain amount of physical manicuring. I have waxed, dyed my hair, bleached and dyed red in the past, file my nails, I've worn concealer for dark under-eye circles (more for professional reasons), keep neck hair stragglies (below neck hair-line) in check and even keep a neat landing strip. (sorry)
This takes time as well, but not as much as many females spend.

'05 metrosexual jokes:
I do not wear the current lo-rise disco twills with blaring color-clashing, seizure inducing, striped shirts. Subtle demarcating stripes are cool, but not the wild diagonal displays that belong more in a art deco design than on the human body.

I understand that fashion and cultures change and I appreciate the higher maintenance looks of the turn of the 21st century. No balking from me. I only wish that more women knew that many, many men also like natural looks and less maintenance.

Many of us prefer the curvier Renee Zelweger or Lindsay Lohan, over the wasted and bleached ones.
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[icon] Writing a book... - The Datetarded
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